What If I Had to Pee, then What?

Lion

SERENGETI, TANZANIA: It’s 9:30 p.m. and I’ve retired to my tent for the night. As I lie down, I hear the screech of an elephant trumpeting. It can’t be more than a few feet from the front of my tent. For my protection, I had been escorted earlier to my tent but we had seen or heard nothing. Then a roar! “Oh my god, it’s a lion!” This is followed by the trumpeting of the elephant again. Back and forth they go. I swear, they’re going to go to blows right in front of my tent. I peek through the flap, but see nothing in the pitch darkness. I contemplate what I can do to protect myself if either attacks the tent. Elephants can get vicious and turn on people. A tourist was killed by one a few months ago. And, of course, Lions, they’re another story. They’re 80% effective in knocking down the likes of wildebeests and zebra. A large enough group will take down an elephant. My guide had assured me they don’t bother with humans because if they do, they’ll be shot. “But are all lions really that rational and isn’t there just that one that doesn’t know any better?” It’s unnerving but what can I do? Fortunately, whatever disagreement the elephant and the lion is having doesn’t last, but other noises instead take up the slack. I hear the blubbering of a water buffalo coming from the back of my tent. These creatures are so tough and ornery that even lions keep their distance. Guides with rifles are allowed to shoot them if they come within twenty meters of a tourist. This one sounds like it’s ten feet away. The water buffalo moves on but is soon replaced by some snorting warthogs, the sound of which I clearly recognize. I’m not exactly afraid of them, but they have been known to attack a lion; and so the night goes. The next morning I ask my guide, “What was all of that about?” “Those were two bull elephants and four lions you heard.” Again he assures me that they wouldn’t have gone for me in the tent. “What about the water buffalo?” “Nah, they’re okay too, as long as you don’t step out of the tent.” I’m thinking, “What if I had to pee, then what?”